Sunday, March 27, 2011

Sleep baby, sleep.

So I haven't blogged the last couple days like I was supposed to. Partly I think because I didn't have the time and partly because I didn't know what to write about. I mean, as practice I'm supposed to sit down and type for twenty minutes, no corrections, no stopping. Can anyone really do that? If I have a spelling mistake I must go back and correct it other wise that red squiggly  line just seems to be yelling at me, "you screwed up" "Mistake! Mistake!" Maybe that's one of the things I'm supposed to work on? Just getting the story out as quickly as possible while it's there. Not worrying about spelling and grammar and punctuation. But then what to write? I'm supposed to just keep flowing, jumping from one thing to the next even though one thing might have nothing to do next. Right now I'm having trouble focusing because I'm letting my sixteen month old child cry out in his crib. It's his nap time and up until this last week he's napped on the couch or the floor or in someones arms. I know, I know. But he fights ridiculously hard napping in the crib. Not at night though. At night as soon as he starts rubbing his eyes I can lay him down and walk out and he won't make a peep. I hate listening to him in there, yelling, throwing his fit to be out here with us. Even though if he were out here with us he'd be trying to fall asleep. You'd think considering how ready he is for a nap he would embrace just sleeping in his crib. He knows what its for, he sleeps there every night. He's been crying for fifteen minutes now. He can go over an hour if he's up to it. He doesn't seem to fight it as hard or as long at home as he does at my in laws. I'm sure they give into him more than we do. He's taking more frequent breaks between crying now, just two or three seconds but that's the first sign that he's beginning to give in. But it's not soon enough for me. I hope that it only takes a couple of weeks to break him of this but deep down I think it'll take closer to a month. He's such a fighter when it comes to anything. That's a good thing I think. Of course it will have it's down side. I blame my husband for it but I know he gets it from both of us and I really see a lot of myself in most situations. It's weird being a mom. Weird in the sense that I still can't believe I am a mom. That I'm responsible for another human being. I wonder if he'll be easier to sooth when he can start understanding me. I'm hoping so.He's been crying for nearly twenty-five minutes now and his cries seem to be angrier. Quick burst of screams between sobs. I can almost picture him reaching up on his tip toes, clenching the top rail of his crib, his little body shaking with fury during those quick screams. I hate listening to it but not as much as I hate that he has to go through it not understanding why. My mothering instinct wants me to go running down the hall into his room, scoop him up and rescue him. Rescue him from the anger and misery of it all. But I know that will only make it worse. If I go in there now after more than thirty minutes of crying it will have all been for nothing. A waste. It's quiet now. He must have closed his eyes for a few seconds too long and succumbed to the sand man. We'll see how long it lasts. Sometimes it's only fifteen minutes. The quick recovering gasps being the after effects of his traumatic nap experience jolting him as he sucks in that air. I've spoke too soon, the screaming is back but only for a minute. I hope the final result will be long uninterrupted afternoon naps. A more sound sleeper. Comfortable in his crib. It no longer being a scary place during the day.  I hope my goal is reachable. It's been fifty minutes now and though his sobs will briefly get weaker he seems to still have the energy for the occasional angry sreams. It has to get better. Right?

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